Since my TBI, which followed a seeming lifetime full of what we used to call "a knock on the head"s. The kind where you lose consciousness. I even have a scar from the good old 1970s. Riding in the front seat of my dads rad Cougar when I was two, with no seatbelt. Two scars on the back of my head, one from where I crashed my Big Green Machine. The cool before their time porto-cyberpunk kid's Big Wheel. Found, out cold, by a neighbor.
So it's no wonder this one isn't clearing up. I probably have CTE. Since thee recent accident I have had intrusive thoughts. Having COVID-19 made my neurological problems, depression and anxiety 50x worse.
So my brain is going: "You should do that thing. You should really do it. Now. Before it's too late." But I think everyone is mishearing what the brain is saying, because they do not have the language to understand what it is truly saying. This is because the vocabulary and knowledge was considered so dangerous, the study of the subject was made off limits.
I think this is how it works: The brain sees a compromised part of itself and says: "Get rid of that part. Do something with it. Do the thing we've always done. Kill THE Self." In the modern world, where we have lost touch with the living spirit that is right behind the curtain of what we see, we hear the brain say: "Kill Your Self." We have lost the knowledge and access to the plant teachers. The prohibition of these substance is causing tragedy after tragedy and it has to change.

My life has made it difficult or impossible to get medical treatment or to perform shamanic work. I'm too stressed out and my life is too chaotic. I can usually get either set, or setting, but not both. Not these days.

So, I've ridden the edge. Dealing in any way I know how. Creating. Listening. Strategizing ways of getting through a day without my psyche flying into little bits. I've often had to turn to outside sources of stimulation. Podcasts. Youtube videos etc.
Sounds, knowledge about sound, nerd stuff relating to fountain pens, yo-yos, modular synthesizers, psychedelics. I'd like to thank some of the people who create that content. This release is dedicated to them, in my annoyingly Wesley Willis-esque way. Can't help it. I love people who help me not want to die.
Thank you Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark from My Favorite Murder. SSDGM etc. Lorenzo Haggery at Psychedelic Salon, Emma Vigeland, Michael Brooks (RIP), Fran Blanche of FranLab, Mark Walker of Blueglow Electronics, Ted Woodford of Woodford Instruments, Colleen Fazio of Fazio Electric (strains of Albini in the naming?) HIANBACH, Peter Draws, Jade Wii, Divkid Ben, Otis Gibbs, Walker Farrell of Make Noise Modular, IMO one of the most important electronic music educators of the last couple decades. That other guy. That person. You know the one! So great. Good voice... interesting stuff to say. Feels like a friend... you know... help me out here.
There are so many more. Sorry I missed you. This is off the top of my head. Which is slightly compromised.

Sorry.


But really. Thank you so much. You gave me things to think about. You amazed me, you made me laugh and cry. You made me feel, on days when I though that was over for good.
You made me feel like my old self when I was pretty sure that guy was gone forever.

You gave me something to do, and you gave me hope. you got me excited about doing stuff in the future. There is no future to do things in when you're dead. So... you've all given me a huge gift. Thank you.
I don't know if I'd be here without you.

Sorry for the naked, confessional nature of this. I've decided to make this project totally me. No BS. The only artifice will be for exaggeration to make stories better. I've been told being yourself is good. I've been told sharing your feelings is good.
Strangely, whenever I do it, I get strange looks. But... I can't help myself.

I have a brain injury (spooky soundtrack plays in the background ) and I dooooo straaaange thiiiiiings that are soooooocially unacceaaaaptable... oooohhh... So when I tell you I love you, just remember, I don't know any better. I mean it, but don't realize I am not supposed to tell people that kind of stuff, since I've been told loving people is the most important thing in infinity. And I have a brain injury.... so get over it. Because not only do I refuse to play any gaslighting games anymore... I literally can't because my brain is broken. Ha!